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The Lock and Weir Pavement Orchestra
Usque ad mortem anhelabimus

Dear Reader,

Somebody once said that the beat of a butterfly wing could cause a hurricane on the other side of the world. This man was of course arrested and charged with quantum scare-mongering.

At his trial he cited for his defence the Lock and Weir Pavement Orchestra. After further investigation he was released, and went on to become the highest paid political spin doctor in Papua New Guinea. The aforementioned investigation was immediately hushed up and will not be released to the general public until 2050 (about lunchtime).

We have, however, obtained the minutes to the meetings of the L.W.P.O., and if you ever wondered how the First World War really started, why the Titanic actually sank, who really assassinated John F. Kennedy, and many other world mysteries, then please read on...

Warning: These pages contain much sex, violence, ballistic agricultural warfare techniques etc., and are generally unsuitable for anyone.

Minutes of the 1st meeting of the Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra - 05:00 hrs - 05/02/1907 - Hanham Church Hall

Apologies for absences:

Mrs Frompt had said that her son Herbert Frompt was embarking on an world-wide luxury cruise on his home-made yacht that he'd lovingly built in Mr Frompts brewery. She'd said that she expected him home by Easter as she reckoned he'd soon run out of clean under garments. Thomas Victory, when aroused by Nathaniel Macbennet playing a reveille in his left ear, said he was not attending, thank you. He apparently further suggested that if the LWPO were going to hold (expletive deleted) meetings in the middle of the (expletive deleted) night then he would take his musical talents elsewhere.

1) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet opened the meeting by welcoming each and every one of the members of the new and dynamic brass orchestra with bags of future and epoch making potential, except the funny little foreign chappie with black skin and flat nose, shabbily dressed and in the right empire but wrong country. Archibald Foley then introduced himself and apologised for his appearance but he was on the verge of creating a new rocket fuel. Mr John Mallet confirmed Mr Foleys plight as he now needed a new cow shed, 45 new cows, 2 new farm labourers and a mop and bucket. Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet apologised for not recognising Mr Foley but asked to see his birth certificate just in case. He further added that he had a responsibility to ensure orchestral purity as laid down in his Uncle Ernest Powels book entitled 'Canals of the Red Stuff'.

2) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet then raised the matter of the hour at which the monthly meeting should be held. Yielding little response, the question was posed again after he had fired off two shots from his service revolver (Ret) and most of the orchestra were once again fully cognisant. A lively debate then followed and a vote was proposed. 09:00 hrs - To avoid morning assembly (the Daventry twins) 10:00 hrs - To avoid 05:00 hrs (the LWPO) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet expressed his exasperation at how people in this modern day and age couldn't get out of bed at a proper hour and did the orchestra really believe that, were the Britsh Empire to last a thousand years then 05:00 hrs would be their finest hour. He further added that he was sensitive to the general mood and that a later hour would be appointed. Samuel Granp asked, how much later? Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet said a lot later. Lawrence Snodgrass, how much later was a lot? Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet said about 45 minutes should be adequate. A lively debate then followed.

3) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet then suggested a review of the last rehearsal. There then followed a lively debate. Henry Heale asked to be excused. It was suggested that if Daniel Patcher were to retard the church clock by three minutes, then the small brass section might come in at the correct time on most of the play list, if either of the Daventry twins shot the conductor with a pea shooter once more then he would have to pen a long letter to Mr and Mrs Daventry espousing the benefits of life in any average infantry regiment serving in the Punjab and/or the economic benefits to low wage families of child labour down a Cornish tin mine. It was further suggested that if the Lockeeper wished to continue with the LWPO, would he please a) make sure the spoons didn't still have beef stew on them or preferably b) learn a new instrument. The Lockeeper was thanked however for the use of his brand new Pitkins typographic machine with coloured ribbon and tab settometer, ivory conductors baton and coil of towing hemp. The thanks were continuing as the door slammed shut. Delia Jarvis offered to take round one of her seed cakes as an act of reconciliation. Gimble Walker suggested that would definitely do the tricks. Ms Jarvis asked, what tricks? Mr Walker said the 'not having to use the privy for a week' trick, followed by the 'not leaving the privy for a week' trick.

Minutes of the 79th meeting of The Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra - 19:30 hrs - 02/04/1912 - Hanham Church Hall

Apologies for absences:

Mrs Frompt said that her son Herbert had been spotted sailing up the Orinoco River. According to the Christian mission at Caldera, hunters of the Larcus tribe had reported being entertained by him for a sumptuous evening meal. This had helped to assuage their anguish over losing one of their number the night before. He was then apparently heading for the North Atlantic. Stephen Daventry said that he hoped he wouldn't get in the way. Archibald Foley would be arriving late as he had to meet his nephew at Bristol docks. He was over from Belfast for a debriefing on how Mr Foley's secret new 'Weldomatic' trials had gone at the Harland & Wolf shipyard.

1) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet opened the meeting by delivering the salient points of a letter he had received from the Mayor of Sarajavo. The letter started by thanking members of the LWPO for arranging a small army to aid the Mayor during his anti-Serbian campaign. They had turned out, however, to be quite ineffective due to the fact that all they wanted to do was bang tambourines, sing hymns and save sinners, which during the current climate, was a bit of a tall order, not to mention dangerous. The Serbian terrorist gang, the Black Hand' had eventually released the kidnapped army (minus their uniforms) on favourable terms. The letter ended with a general intimation that the 'twinning' with Hanham was continuing to be a success, but did he have to send quite so much money to fund the town's orchestra? The Major General (Ret) went on to say that he had also received a letter from the Salvation Army Headquarters in London suggesting that strong legal action would be taken if they ever found out who had been forging their official letterhead. The percussion section asked to be excused to get a glass of water.

2) The Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet raised the matter of the last rehearsal. There then followed a lively debate. Henry Heale asked to be excused. Edward Tanner said that someone had put itching powder in his bodice. Frederick Beale said the fight wasn't his fault, and wouldn't anybody get cross if they'd found out the hard way that their trumpet had been lent to someone with a heavy cold. Neville Meacher said that the other fight wasn't his fault either, and wouldn't anybody get cross if they'd attended a job interview for a bogus labourers job, not knowing that the Warmley village idiot had died the week before. The Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet insisted that if the forthcoming trip was to be a success, the orchestra had to forget their petty differences and act as an efficient unit. At least two numbers on the play list were way below standard and at this rate they would only be allowed to play in the steerage class accommodation.

3) The Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet tippy toed lightly in the direction of the delicate matter regarding the LWPO finances. He wondered if, perchance, Mr Robert Tilly had any news on the relatively insignificant financial details, whilst understanding (or not) the high degree of complexity such an ongoing undertaking comprised. Mr Tilly said he hadn't, thank you. A lively debate then followed. A delphi Drool asked about the marquee fund. Mr Tilly suggested that she concentrate on making dubious sausages and her macramé, leaving men's work to the men. Harold Jones suggested that women could also have tendencies to be as bent as an alpine goat track. Mr Tilly suggested a dedicated evening to LWPO fiscal discourse at a later date, perhaps combined with a lecture on Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippets heroics during the siege of Mafeking. Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet said that enough time had been wasted on petty squabbling over a few pennies and that Mr Tilly was obviously suffering from the strain of organising the orchestras great expedition. Mr Tilly then again protested that to use most of the legacy left by Hamish Saddle (R.I.P) on a silly boat trip was exposing him (presumably meaning the LWPO) to financial ruin. Helius Quince suggested that the LWPO should sell its holiday retreat at Swanage to ease the monetary strain. Kathleen De Camp said she hadn't realised the LWPO owned a holiday retreat in Swanage? followed by the rest of the LWPO. Mr Tilly asked to be excused for a glass of water. Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet suggested a warm round of applause and three cheers of appreciation for all Mr Tilly's valiant attempts to reign in the bucking and rearing of the orchestra's accounts. Rosemary Lawson suggested, rather unkindly, that if the Major General (Ret) had done rather less bucking and rearing during the siege of Mafeking the LWPO wouldn't be in this mess.

4) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet raised the issue of allowing the Lockeeper to swell the glorious ranks of the LWPO. The wood wind section said that the Lockeeper only wanted to get included in on the LWPO 's exciting cruise and intimated that he might be a keen user of marine vegetation for cleansing purposes who's parents had forgotten to get married (official interpretation during the signing off of the minutes of meeting 79) . The Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet said he could gauge the general mood and would pen a sweet note saying that the Lockeepers application would be considered after the LWPO returned from America. He would also thank the Lockeeper for the use of his works pony and trap, patented portable steam powered paint sprayer and portrait of his new lovely young wife. Archibald Foley joined the meeting just in time to suggest that if one could combine a graviton with certain other new particles of spin 3/2, 1, 1/2 and 0, then all these particles could be considered as different aspects of the same 'super particle'. He went on to say that he'd come up with the idea after spending a long time sitting in a new type of wheelchair he'd just invented.

5) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet said that he'd received a sweet letter from the Rt Hon Winston Churchill MP. The salient points were as follows.
a) Yes, Baden-Powell had agreed keep quiet about Madam Krebes,
b) Tuba
c) he needed more proof that such an association with the LWPO would lead him to high office
d) the exploding cigars had gone down really well at the cocktail at the Germany Embassy which was more than could be said for Mrs Delia Jarvis' iced buns,
and e) in terms of world economics, about two wars should do the trick.

A.O.B a) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet reminded everybody that all male members of the orchestra were to borrow a ladies dress for the LWPO entry into the ship's fancy dress competition. William Legget asked who's bright idea it was to enter as protesting suffragettes. Edward Tanner said that women's rights were paramount to the new age. Neville Meacher suggested Mr Tanner wanted to become an old queen in this new age. Samuel Granp said he wasn't going to put on any silly womens dress if his life depended on it. b) Bertram Hardgreaves asked if anyone wanted to join him for a spin in his new aero-matic flying machine as he was getting lonely flying solo. Malcom Meacher said that next time Mr Hardgreaves flew so low he'd get a few shot gun pellets in a place where the sun only shines if you try to fornicate with a raging hoard of sword swirling banshees (official interpretation during the signing off of the minutes for meeting 79). Mr Meacher said that his bantam's hadn't laid one egg since. b) Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet announced the date of the last rehearsal before departure for Southampton as Friday 10th of April in Hanham Church Hall.

Advance apologies for absence:
Adelphi Drool was starting an evening sweeping up job at Grundy's abbatoir.
Gimble Walker III was helping the Lockeepers wife try out her new washing line.
Thomas Victory was going to watch Keynsham Wanderers Vs Everton FC.

Submissions to petty cash:
23 sets of Anthony Hrapp's patented inflatable thermals - The LWPO
2 copies of 'Lifeboat survivors guide to cannibalism' - Large brass section
1 copy of 'Lifeboat survivors guide to modest evacuation' - Kathleen De Camp
1 fishing rod - Lawrence Snodgrass
1 collapsible loud hailer - Rosemary Lawson

Minutes by Sarah Crouch
Signed off by Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet

10, Downing Street London

Rev. William B.Booth
Mission House
244, High Street,
Bethnal Green,
24th Sept 1917

Dear Reverend,
Thankyou for your letter dated the 3rd September 1917. Please be assured of this governments complete and utter condemnation of the actions listed by you. It demonstrates that decency and honour are sparse qualities in Hanham Village and His Majesty asked me to convey his deepest sympathies and wishes for a speedy recovery to all those of your flock who were victims in the January 1917 Slurry slide disaster, March 1917 Exploding pulpit affray and the June 1917 Offal dropping competition.

This government completely agrees that there is a growing argument for the reinstatement of hang, draw and quartering. There are, however, one or two technical difficulties regarding the appropriation of justice for the perpetrators.

His Majesty felt it was necessary to inform you of what are still classified details concerning certain actions on the Western front, so please keep them under your hat. Having been, to a man (and women), passed as either psychiatrically or physically unfit, or over qualified to serve in any of His Majesties armed forces, the Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra, led by one Major General (Ret) Rupert Trippet, took it upon themselves to sail to Holland and make their way to Germany. In March 1915, posing as an Irish Republican terrorist fund raising organisation they were commissioned by the German High Command to play at many venues along the Western front as a morale boosting exercise for the troops. Apparently they were able to cite many acts of terrorism to prove they were bona fide.

From German newspapers, we were able to compile a summary of 'achievements'. For example, three months in 1915;

October 1915 - The LWPO performed four times in the Ypres area - German losses: 1 observation balloon & 1 observer, four and a half a horses, fifty thousand rounds of ammunition, the Oberfuehrer of the German Army Nursing Cor (who now wishes to be called Frederique, only dresses in trouser suits and smokes pink Gauloise), 300 bottles of wine, 23 pairs of officers riding boots, the water supply was contaminated with 30 pounds of rotting bockwurst and one big bertha. Ypres Town hall was completely destroyed during an inter-regimental croquet match.

November 1915 - The LWPO performed six times around Neuve Chapelle German losses: One company of Dragoons all had their bicycle saddles stolen but received forged orders to advance anyway, one observation balloon & observer, two church clocks were adjusted and a whole brigade missed breakfast, four nurses now want to be called Sven and insist on only wearing tight boiler suits and smoking pink Gauloise, thirty five thousand rounds of ammunition, half of General Blink's poodle, a herd of cattle were stampeded across the Allied lines (where unfortunately the Eineskillen Guards surrendered), a football competition was organised and subsequently played in a mine field.

December 1915 - The LWPO performed eight Christmas specials around Verdun Christmas was cancelled. The list continues and will mostly remain top secret (with the exception of an annual Christmas reading by His Majesty) until the year of our Lord, 2001.

In January this year the German High Command paid the LWPO an enormous quantity of money in gold Krugerrands to perform covert operation in England and were dropped off by U-boat at Gravesend under cover of darkness. Curiously the U-boat sank shortly afterwards.

Therefore it is with regret that I have to inform you that the LWPO now enjoy the full protection of Mis Majesty King George V, subject to no member, relative (either living or dead), or friend of the LWPO ever going within two miles of any Royal residence or place of Royal recreation.

I hope this answers your questions adequately with reference to Government policy on the matter.

Yours Sincerely

David Lloyd George
Prime Minister

Minutes of the 340th meeting of The Lock & Weir Pavement Oerchestra - 20:00 hrs - 20/11/1938 - Hanham Church Hall

Apologies for absence.

Mrs Frompt said that her son, Rupert, was still in custody at the pleasure of His Imperial Highness, the Emperor of Japan. His Nippon'n'off ferry service running between Tsushima Island and Korea had been suspended until a) he apologised, and b) all the escapees from the Tsushima prison colony had been recaptured. Colin Jones was too upset to attend after losing in the quarter finals of the Brislington Vs Kingswood Marble Championships. Nathaniel MacBennet had simply lost his marbles.

1) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet opened the meeting by conveying the thanks of Lord & Lady Lambert to the orchestra regarding the Hunt Ball the Thursday previous. Lord & Lady Lampert expressed their appreciation and relief that the orchestra had got completely lost and had not been able to attend. A lively debate then followed. It was agreed that it had been bad form not to tell somebody in the LWPO that the venue had been changed to the Masonic Hall. The note went on to say that their esteemed Lord & Ladyship hoped that the orchestra continued to play a lot of balls elsewhere in the future.
Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet suggested that the orchestra think of ways to restore the event to their annual play list.
Daniel Patcher said he might be able to trace the Lamperts family silver. The percussion section said that would be impossible.
Fred Beale said he hadn't realised that Lady Lampert was a keen supporter of the Salvation Army and promised never to sing that song again.
Kevin Meacher said that it hadn't been his fault and his cows had been as gentle as possible with the Lamberts Parquet flooring but offered to apologise and allow the hunt to use his paddock in reconciliation

2) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet wished to raise the subject of the Lockeeper's application to join the LWPO. Graham Hardgreaves, in all fairness to the Lockeeper, suggested that a hereditary lifetime ban be awarded, as it was a complete waste of paper for him or his heirs, to continue to apply. Helius Quince further suggested that a rope, a sycamore tree and a wobbly chair might achieve the same end and be cheaper still. Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet wished to remind the meeting of how the Lockeeper had been a friend to the LWPO. He went on to list several items that the Lockeeper had lent to the LWPO over the years.

A lice comb, ten gallons of diesel, fifty raffle tickets, lawn mower, tickets to the 1937 Olympics, telescope, Comptins Patented Typewriter and spare ribbon, safety razor, bottle of Chateau De Croisse '23, can of gear oil, thirty shot gun cartridges, and two tubes of haemorrhoid ointment. A lively debate then followed. The lice comb made the icing look 'ploughed', the diesel wasn't nearly as good as real bubble bath, the raffle prize probably came from Furworthless's 'Everything for two pence' store (Est 1902), the lawnmower gave Orphelia Drool's lawn a side parting, nobody in Munich appreciated the woodwind section's Al Jolson look alike daily parade, the telescope didn't render the burglar completely unconscious, the typewriter kept making spelling mistakes, the safety razor wasn't and caused poor Gerty the nanny goat to have sore teats for a week, the wine was past it's 'sell by' date, the gear oil didn't make the sledge go any faster, the powder from the cartridges only got the rocket to 476 feet, the ointment stopped the Yorkshire pudding from rising.

Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet said that he could gauge the general mood and would pen a sweet note to the Lockeeper, informing him of his unsuccessful application, and wishing him all the luck in the future. Peter Foley suggested that the Lockeeper mind ponder on whether homeotic mutants must find their significance only in highfalutin realms of evolutionary speculation. Mr Foley said that if he ever got his head around the problem then he might find that it didn't zip up at the back.

3) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet said that he had received a sweet note from the Hanham Historical society. It was a request for any inhabitant of Hanham, or surrounding hamlets, to let them know of any famous ancestry. A list was compiled.

Frank Walker said his great Uncle Dilbert had disappeared after having gone down on the Princess Alexandria at the time of the Sebastapol Campaign . He suggested that even royal mothers should at least knock.

Jimmy Daventry said that his second cousin, Hubert, was an English translator for Neville Chamberlain, and had only just returned from the recent summit in Munich with Mr Adolf Hitler. Apparently, Nev, as Hubert liked to call him, requested a lavatory break at a crucial time during the talks. Mr Adolf had passed him a sweet note, the essence of which had said, 'piss in your own time'. Hubert didn't want Nev's feelings hurt. Robert Foley suggested that the Crimean war had probably been a bad time for his grandfather to test an early form of racing jockey's traffic light, but it had spawned the poem 'Always Check Out Where The Big Nasty Guns Are', and given an otherwise unspectacular cavalry regiment a place in history.
Lionel Mallet said that one of his ancestors had been a compatriot of Captain Cook and was only joking when he shouted out, at a delicate moment, "Go Clubbin' at James ' Sandwich Bar". Derek Snodgrass still possessed the diaries of one Rudolf Snodgrass who was John Cabot's navigator.
Apparently Cabot had only meant to borrow the Mathew for a boys weekend in Dublin.
Eric Victory said that he had an ancestor who had been a notorious practical joker, and in search of a new life and had booked a passage to America on the Marie Celeste.
Harriet Jarvis said that she could trace her ancestry back to the time of the first bubonic plague when Heidi Vis Jar had invented a side dish and called it her Bocci 'n' thrax.
Other members of the orchestra said they would have a root around their respective attics and see what they could come up with.

4) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announced some forthcoming events that may require an orchestral attendance.
Demolition of Leebles Hall, Keynsham Park bench placing ceremony at Chew Valley Park Return of Lord & Lady Leeble from their six month Australasian tour, to what's left of Leebles Hall. Beer delivery, Chequers Public House.


A) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet said that they had received a sweet note from Wolframite and Majoram (Music Publishers, Est 1784) thanking the LWPO for the submission of their wax cylinder entitled 'Till Death Us Do Puff', but they didn't have a device to play it on. They wanted to point out that, although they were no experts on the subject, it did appear very much as if somebody had left the aforementioned cylinder on a very hot radiator. A lively debate then followed and Fanny Jarvis denied having a menopausal moment.

B) Cyril Granp wished to debate the LWPO's contingency plans should Mr Hitler decide to go on a European tour sending on ahead 34 divisions of storm troopers, tanks and field artillery to organise his accommodation. Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet suggested that Cyril, unlike himself, was completely out of touch with modern military tactics, and further added that Mr Hitler had made agreements with his neighbours in Europe, and being a man of complete honour and integrity, as well as an officer and a gentleman, would never renege on a deal, unlike a mere NCO, apart from maybe a lightning visit to Poland to ask for his ball back.

C) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announced the next rehearsal date as 02/12/1938.

Advance apologies for absence

The Daventry twins had promised themselves a spot bursting session. Archibald Foley was going to be away in Germany where he was lecturing on his possible development of a new big firework launching system called Victress I and Victress II. Helius Quince was helping his next door neighbour, Kilroy, put an extra layer of bricks on his garden wall.

Submissions to petty cash

Thirty five bricks Tin of caustic soda (Orphelia said that if she couldn't clear the blockage this time she would definitely she would be submitting a claim for a new Saxaphone) Copy of 'Mein Kampf'

Minutes by Margaret Crouch

Signed off by Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet.

Minutes of the 396th meeting of the Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra - 18:00 - 21/11/1940 - Hanham Church Hall

Apologies for absence: Mrs Frompt said that Mr Frompt had been sighted by convoy number E277 off the coast of Iceland. Luckily it had only taken three hours to regroup the remaining ships with a loss of only two tankers and a corvette. Sidney Victory was suffering from iodine poisoning in preparation for another appointment with the Army Medical Board. Ezekiel Patcher was nursing a sick goat that had broken into Celia Jarvis' kitchen. Cyril Granp was on fire watch although Roger Ogden had offered to run him along later if they refused to serve him at the Butchers Arms.

1) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet again urged the meeting to be more creative with ideas to aid the war effort. Daphne De Camp said that her wellington boot throwing competition had been, in principle, a creative idea. Orphelia Drool agreed, but pointed out that Hanham now had one less search light and further suggested that three quarters of Kingswood might not have burned down if thirty eight fireman had not had to hop around burning embers in bare feet. The percussion section asked to be excused to get a glass of water. A lively debate then followed. Other suggestions were taken: Celia Jarvis offered to send ten fruit cakes to the front line - (Henry Snodgrass, rather unkindly, asked which side) Kathleen Lawson offered to do nightly sentry duty at Brislington School for Girls between the 20:00hrs and 21:30hrs. Frank Walker offered to go and comfort the lock keepers wife. Matthew Tanner offered to road test WAAF uniforms produced at Huberts Clothing Factory. Graham Hardgreaves offered to road test the WAAFs. Helius Quince offered to clear out the gutter of the Rose & Crown.

2) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet raised the question about allowing the Lockeeper to swell the glorious ranks of the LWPO considering that community goodwill and the Dunkirk spirit should be the watch words of the day. Kevin Meacher asked what the Lockeeper had been doing during the Dunkirk evacuation. Julian Heale suggested that the chances were that, had the Lockeeper been at Dunkirk he would have spent too much time performing his own involuntary evacuation to have been any use.
After Lionel Mallet suggested starting up a Hanhams own Kamikaze squadron the Major (Ret) called the meeting back to order by saying that he had gauged the general mood and that a sweet note would be sent round to the Lock Cottage wishing the Lockeeper better luck in the future. Robert Foley suggested that major evolutionary transitions may be instigated (although not finished all at once as hopeful monster enthusiasts argue) by small genetic changes that translate into fundamentally altered bodies. Mr Foley was congratulated on his usual invaluable insight regarding the problem.

3) Jimmy Daventry asked the chair to report on the progress of the Spitfire fund. The chair passed the request on to Mr Derek Tilly. Mr Tilly said that he had recently received a new batch of silk stockings from Bristol docks. Major (Ret) thanked Mr Tilly for the information, but asked again about the Spitfire fund. Mr Tilly informed the meeting that the Spitfire fund was doing nicely minding its own damned business, thank you. Matthew Tanner suggested there was now more than enough money in the fund to build a brand new Spitfire. Mr Tilly agreed and said that that construction of the LWPO Spitfire was already underway. This news was met with a great roar of approval and a lively debate then followed.
Orphelia Drool asked where the Spitfire was being built as perhaps they could arrange an orchestral outing to the said factory. Mr Tilly said that it was being built nearby. Peter MacBennet asked how near was nearby. Mr Tilly said, very near. Frank Walker asked if very near meant Mr Tilly's own back yard. Mr Tilly confirmed that he had indeed made the sacrifice of his own yard for the aforementioned construction and would anybody wish to hear the joke about the retired Army Major, two sheep and a reel of pink baling twine.
Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet intervened in the ensuing debate by suggesting that enough time had been wasted on silly details about where a Spitfire should or shouldn't be built and that Mr Tilly should receive a huge round of applause for his contribution to the war effort by giving up the use of his back yard. A lively shuffling of feet then followed.

4) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announce to the meeting that the LWPO had now received authority to organise itself as a platoon of Local Defence Volunteers in preparation for the inevitable Nazi invasion. The Major (Ret) asked for a report from the percussion section on how the LWPO armoury was progressing. A list of weaponry was compiled: One double barrelled shot gun One triple barrelled hay fork One gattling gun made from modified bicycle pumps Three cast iron drain pipes and supply of methane powered manure shells Four drums of paraffin disguised as hay bales Two stocking powered catapults Celia Jarvis wanted it minuted that she objected to her recipe for blackberry and apple turnovers being added to the list.

5) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announced that he had received a sweet note from the management of Gromby's Munitions. To avoid strike action the LWPO's offer to play for the workers during their lunch break had to be declined. A lively debate then followed.

6) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet also announced that he had received a sweet reply from an old friend of the LWPO, Prime Minister Winston Churchill. In essence the note said: i) many thanks to Celia Jarvis's half sister but her services were no longer required at No. 10. ii) Chamberlain was expected to make a full recovery iii) Not Moscow just yet, but maybe a tour of the Tobruk area would be good. iv) The request would be passed on to bomber command A.O.B A) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announced the next rehearsal date as 28/11/1940 - Hanham Church Hall, 19:30.

Advance apologies for absence: Daphne De Camp was making coca for the local Anti Aircraft battery, perhaps this time remembering to give them coca afterwards. Frank Walker was going to help the Lockeepers wife hang new black out curtains.

Submissions to petty cash: Four cartons of Lucky Strike cigarettes Three bottles of Johnny Walker One ex parachute Two packets of crocus bulbs One cinematic projector One aeroplane modelling kit Minutes by Margaret Crouch Signed by Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet

Minutes of the 641st meeting of the Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra - 19:00 - Hanham Church Hall - 15/11/1963

Apologies for absence: Mrs Frompt said that Daniel was still teaching poker in Havana. Apparently his friends Arnesto and Fidel were terribly kind, insisting he share their meals and introducing him to the Cuban custom of allowing the guest to completely finish a meal before they started eating theirs.
James and Gavin Daventry were apparently still in Liverpool consoling their best friend Pete who is still mourning the loss of his valuable insect collection. John Tanner was in London studying advanced toe nail painting techniques with a style guru called Quentin Crisp.

1) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet opened the meeting by wishing to discuss the last rehearsal. A lively debate then followed. Cyril Granp eventually promised not to stamp so loudly. The small brass section was accused of sounding more hollow than usual. Joshua Beale suggested to the large brass section that they might sound rather hollow too if all their instruments were still in a bonded warehouse in Karachi. Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet said that he was still in daily contact with the airline and that they insisted that everything had been in order when the luggage was loaded on at Dallas Airport. Phileus Plinth was asked to make an apology to Kathleen Lawson for calling her a talentless thespian. He refused.

2) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet raised the matter of the Lockeepers application to join the LWPO. He reminded the assembly that they had promised to debate the matter as soon as they returned from the International Brass Band Jamboree in Dallas. Alfed Quince asked what the problem with the Lockeeper joining the band.
The temperature dropped in the hall by 3.7 degrees Fahrenheit. Daphne De Camp suggested that at the tender age of sixteen, young master Quince should concentrate on his apprenticeship leaving such larger matters to the elders of the community. Alfed insisted that he had a right to speak and was half way through posing the question again when he was interrupted by a freak outburst of poltergeist activity which resulted in him being hit in the head by a flying cymbal, punched in the ribs by a wayward Saxaphone, and only thanks to Orphelia Drool's extensive mastery of Jordanian ballet (the Mafraq variety which laid out two sailors, three rugby players and one traffic warden at the Chequers Inn on New Years Eve in 1931), barely escaped being the last Quince of his family line due to a very angry flying wooden prosthetic. Malcom Meacher and Lionel Mallet stood up and started shouting abuse (the forgetful latter falling over), but were called back to order by Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet who further added that he could gauge the general mood and a sweet note would be sent to the Lockeeper wishing him better luck with his applications in the future.

3) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet asked the meeting to think of ways of entertaining the general public over the Christmas period. The percussion section said that they wouldn't as a matter of principle because none of their ideas had been tried out. Sid Victory suggested that many of their ideas had been tried out, but in 1952, the year that the percussion section were spending three months kindly sewing mail bags for Her Majesty, there hadn't been a single Salvation Army member stuck on top of the Christmas tree in the Kingswood Parade, no rodents had popped out of any Mayoral Charity Christmas cake, no church doors had been nailed shut at a Midnight Mass and Malcom Meacher's inebriated prize bull hadn't been ushered in to Santa's Grotto at Henby's Toys and Models (Est 1888). Kathleen Lawson suggested that the orchestra perform her recently penned work entitled 'Nymphs of Sporanox' with her own little theatre group. Colin Jones (rather unkindly) asked Ms Lawson why all of her original works involved nine scantily clad air sylphs prancing around for three hours in the freezing cold dressed in little more than four square feet of old net curtains, in what could otherwise be described as an elaborate form of kiss chase. Ezekiel Patcher said that he'd suffered from nightmares for months afterwards. A lively debate then followed. Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet moved the meeting on by insisting that there was not enough rehearsal time to stage such an event by Christmas.

4) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet wondered if, perchance, Mr Derek Tilly would deign to enlighten the meeting as to the fiercely complex developments pertaining to the orchestral accounts. Could there, perhaps, be an improvement in the charitable offerings department, what with it being Christmas, a time for giving without thought of personal motive, a time for sharing without counting cost, a time when a spare few pennies could make all the difference between .......Mr Tilly said that he got the point, thank you, but the last time he'd taken the LWPO collecting tin around the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen on Caldry Street, he'd only been given one button, two washers and a foreign coin. If so called down and outs were going to be so stingy then why should they get free soup?
Frank Walker asked about the New Uniform Fund. Malcom Meacher asked about the spare change that Mr Tilly had offered to change from dollars back into pounds sterling. Mr Tilly suggested that if the orchestra expected him (presumably meaning the orchestral funds) to finance expensive trips to the US then they should quibble about a few cents here and there, and if anybody wanted to see a copy of the Dallas Police Department charge sheet then they should only ask. Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet said that enough time had been spent of fiscal irrelevancies and that the meeting should move on.

5) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet had received a sweet note from the organisers of the International Brass Band Jamboree in Dallas. In essence the note raised a few unresolved mysteries. For example: Why do two of the lady judges and the Mayoress now only want to be called Michael and hang around in tight dungarees smoking green gauloise? Why did someone feel it necessary to insult the wife of a leading business man called Benito Carlotti at the opening banquet? Why did they start a fight with the percussion section of the Colarado Coal Miners Band when they were performing 'All is Black in Bristol' during the Negro spiritual slot? Did anybody now the whereabouts of the US Marine Band's mascot? There then followed a lively debate. Kalthleen Lawson suggested that releasing deeper truths was a true service. Colin Jones said that John Tanner had only been trying to compare Italian lingerie with Mr Carlotti's wife and there had been a few translation errors, but it still didn't justify getting one of his godson's to take potshots at them from a warehouse. It marred an otherwise perfect picnic on that grassy knoll. Cyril Granp said he'd only fired back as an act of solidarity and hoped that the nice lady knew a good dry cleaners. Phileus Plinth said that it was slanderous to suggest that thousands of Africans were transported to America via Bristol in the 1700's and why did Americans always have to alter history to suit themselves?
Fanny Jarvis tearfully denied having a 'senior' moment, said she'd thought the poor goat (that so resembled her collie dog called Margaret ) looked like it needed a good long walk in the countryside and she was grateful when that nice Chinese chef said the he'd take it off her hands.
Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet went on to add that the note suggested that the World Brass Band Federation board of directors had voted to:
a) never hold an International event ever again,
b) refund 14,762 annual subscriptions, and
c) shut up shop, travel to the far east and embrace the philosophies and lifestyle of a Nepalese silk screen printing guru.

Robert Foley would send the board of directors a copy of his (hopefully about to be published) pamphlet entitled 'Uncertain Quantum Measurements for Antique Lawnmower Enthusiasts' and that once mentally digested, would settle any further arguments on the Dallas affray, but should the board of directors attempt any of the 'Easy to clear up afterwards' experiments at the back of the pamphlet, then they would have to get their hands on a 1922 Suffolk Classic, and use 3 (not 4 as erroneously stated) garlic cloves. Mr Foley was thanked for his precise and consistent arrow-like perception to the problem. A.O.B A) Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet announced the next rehearsal date as Thursday 22nd.

Advance apologies for absence: Sid Victory was smoking his window box harvest. Julian Heale was having his gall bladder pressure washed. Frank Walker was on standby to comfort the Lockeepers wife in case the Lockeeper had a serious accident with an exploding pipeful of tobacco. B) A sweet note and a cheque for twenty pounds had been received from Lord and Lady Lambert, asking the orchestra not to attend any of the Hanham Christmas Pantomime rehearsals.

Submissions to petty cash: Fifty pounds of Woolworth Christmas vouchers, Two garden spades, Tube of Wart Remover cream, Thirteen yards of net curtain material, A tin of bovine hoof polish.

Minutes by Margaret Crouch
Signed off by Major (Ret) Jeremy Trippet

Minutes of the 1044th Meeting of The Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra - 19.30 - 23/02/1999 - Hanham Church Hall

Apologies for absences:

Mrs Frompt said that Daniel Frompt has been sighted in the North sea, heading towards Norway. He looked well, and according to the crew of a Norwegian gunboat, was in good voice. Derek Snodgrass is recovering well after his hernia operation and promises to be less enthusiastic with the cymbals in future.
The Lockeeper sent a note saying he will be away for two weeks in March, and will be phoning his wife for news on this months selection process. Ezekial Patchers comment that the Lockeeper should not bother entering into any breath holding competitions, was not considered helpful.

1) Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet opened the meeting by raising a few constructive criticisms about last Sundays rehearsal. A lively debate followed. It was requested that Malcom Meacher try and count under his breath between playing as it was putting off the percussion section. Harold MacBennet rather unkindly suggested that the percussion section might listen and learn from Malcom Meacher, and that there was no point in counting up to 7.5 in a 4/4 piece. Hetty Lawson wanted to know why the Daventry twins giggled whenever she tried to play G1, but they could still come round and help her eat up her big supply of lollipops as long as they didn't mind her taking photographs. Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet informed the meeting of his opinion that the orchestra was indeed progressing slowly although Edward Legget suggested the orchestra would be consistently disappointed if it ever diversified into snail racing.

2) Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet asked the meeting for any ideas on healing the rift between the LWPO and the Salvation Army Band. The percussion section offered to apologise Harriet Jarvis said she would bake them a special chocolate sponge. Alfred Quince kindly suggested that they were most welcome to it. Graham Plinth suggested a inter-band wellington boot throwing competition. John Tanner offered to go fund-raising for them if they let him wear a uniform. Betty Drool offered to help him alter the hem line should they accept.

3) Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet was asked exactly how sweet the note had been when CBS returned the LWPO demonstration cassette. The meeting was informed that the note was extremely sweet, but with a large organisation like CBS, one would have thought that they could spell kwintisential. Peter Walker pressed for more details and suggested that the word 'no' and 'off' comprised part of the text. Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet said that he would continue to be persistent but would have to arrange for another recording because after 48 submissions to CBS, the cassette was getting a bit worn out. It was suggested that the Lockeeper should be asked to extend the loan of his nearly perfect Kenwood Cassette deck with 20 watts per channel amplifier. Peter Walker offered to go round and ask the Lockeepers wife in case the Lockeeper wasn't there during two weeks in March. Herbert Tilly suggested the Lockeeper might submit a petty cash claim for a new cassette. Peter Foley suggested that substances and impulses must be able to move from one segment to another. Yet in the smallest organisms, substances can move between two unconnected parts through membranes. Peter Foley was thanked for his concise and sensitive input.

4) Betty Drool raised the question of the fund for buying the bands own marquee. Herbert Tilly had a coughing fit and was excused. She then addressed the chair, asking if it was still the intention to buy new uniforms. Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet said that it was, but did everybody need one? A lively debate then followed. A brief survey was conducted. 17 hems needed to be raised 13 hems had to be lowered (Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet pointed out that this exceeded the number of band members. A lively debate then followed).
Items missing: 47 brass buttons, 38 Pearl buttons, 4 fly zippers, 28 lapels,
1 trouser seat, 3 knees, 1 truss. 4 uniforms predated the 1937 issue and 1 uniform was original 1927 issue.
The crotch of one pair of trousers had been straining milk at Kevin Mallets dairy farm since 1983.
1 uniform had been replaced during brief employment at Tanner & Sons (Funeral Directors) in 1966
1 uniform was a demobilisation suit dyed in creosote.

John Tanner was refused a regulation black brassiere Herbert Till returned to the meeting completely refreshed. William Heale was excused. Betty Drool again asked the question about the bands marquee fund. Herbert Till suggested Ms Drool might mind her owned damned business. Graham Plinth suggested that Mr Tilly couldn't offer a straight answer if somebody completely secreted a barge pole within his person (authorised interpretation by the Chair during the signing off of the minutes to meeting 244).
Alfred Quince asked about the Christmas fund. Peter Foley asked about the mini bus fund. Delia and VirginiaDaventry asked about donations to the 'Save the Shrimp' fund that kind Mr Tilly had been passing on their birthday money to. A lively debate then followed. Herbert Tilly then asked if anybody owned any negatives kept in the safe at Holloway & Holloway (Wills and Oaths) as they might soon be having a clear out.
Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet said that too much valuable meeting time was being wasted on trifling piffly(?) money matters and that poor Mr Tilly, who was still recovering from jet lag after his long flight from the Bahamas, could not be expected to recall all the complicated fiscal details pertaining to the various funds. The Lt Col (Ret) then suggested a vote of thanks to Mr Herbert Tilly for all the voluntary time he donated to the management of such issues. Eventually a lively debate then followed.

A.O.B a) Kevin Mallet was then allowed to address the meeting. He thanked everybody for keeping quiet about the matter of the crop circles in his lower field. He would personally like to thank Davinia Hatchett for waking him up at the wheel and promised Ms Hatchett he'd never drive his tractor home from the pub ever again. Meanwhile he would be making a generous donation to the band funds out of the enormous amounts of 'wonga' he raking in from the scientists et al through car parking charges. b) The LWPO have been sent a cheque for £15 and a sweet note asking them not to play at the Hanham Fete due to Health & Safety complications. c) The Lockeeper is to be informed of his unsuccessful entrance application, along with thanks for the loan of his ladder and pliers.
d) Lt Col (Ret) announced the next rehearsal date Notification of absences. Cryil Granp was on standby for Kosovo Hetty Lawson was letting a girl guide troop use her paddock and had offered the facilities of her shower and bath. Eric Victory had an important darts match practice. Derek Snodgrass was guarding his prize courgette on the eve of the Hanham Fete

Submissions to Petty cash Wonder Grow Fertiliser - Derek Snodgrass (for oiling the timpani pedals) Grecian 2000 - Muriel De Camp ( clarinet restaining.)

Minutes by Margaret Crouch
Signed off by Lt Col (Ret) Lionel Trippet

Psychiatric Analyses of the Lock & Weir Pavement Orchestra by Dr Jonathan Seedly
Compiled between 18/03/99 - 25/05/99

Harold MacBennet - Born 06/04/1938 (aged 61)

Harold from the outset of the session seemed extremely reluctant to communicate on any level. On production of a bottle of scotch, the interview started to ease somewhat. Harold was an unhappy child and admitted that he had struggled with the death of his father, but had achieved it in the end. His early years as an abattoir cleansers assistant had given him sexual problems within his marriage unless conjugals were performed to Pinky & Perky's rendition of 'Old Macdonald had a farm'. His violent temper tantrums started to decrease in number after his wife ran off with a travelling Amalgamated Manures salesperson. Harold shows tendencies towards depression if anybody criticises the way he administers his postal duties and still denies that the fire at the Northwest District sorting office was started because the duty sorting officer refused to believe that thirteen sacks of Christmas mail found in his privy were put there by aliens from the Zangarer System.

I then performed the picture test.
Picture Reaction
Trumpet - Pulse rate increase/ fist clenched/ gibbering.
Postman - Manic laughter/ bulging eyes/ derision.
Hanham Mills - Calm/ affectionate mumblings while checking his wallet.
Girl Guide - Anti-Nazi rantings/ female conspiracy fears/ pale palor and sweats.

Harold said he would resist further probings unless I produced more whisky. On my return from the off licence he had gone, as had my collection of antique Gynaecologist Monthly journals and the picture of the girl guide.

Conclusion: Analyses incomplete

Frank Beale - Born 02/07/1927 (aged 72)

Frank seemed reluctant to reveal anything of his real self until the conversation came around to beer glasses. After an hour of uninteruptable eulogising about the various forms and styles of glass that a hop based beverage can be served, I was able to question him about his early years. He said he didn't remember any early years, but he had struggled with the death of Harold Macbennets's father, but they'd got there in the end.

Frank suggested that his tendency to suck his thumb is probably rooted in his tragic separation from his pet baby anaconda who had crawled into Orphelia Drool's Saxaphone during an LWPO performance on VJ day. It had subsequently drowned and he still suspected that all was not as it should have been with Harriet Jarvis' eel vol-au-vent's.

Frank showed much anger when I suggested that he made his living off the dole and collecting glasses at the Chequers Public House & Restaurant. He informed me, quite tersely, in fact violently, that a 'Potman' was a diminishing art form, the skills of which had been passed down from father to son over many generations. His father had been Chief Barker at the Annual Potman Convention at Swansea from 1957 to 1962 and his great grandfather had received the order of merit from Grandmaster Spinks himself for actions above and beyond the call of duty during the accidental two weddings and a funeral triple booking at the Chequers restaurant during the summer of 1905.

The Picture test followed: Picture Reaction Trumpet Nervous gentle laughter/ developed irritable testicles Beer glass Animated discourse into date, place of manufacture and quality of crystal. Hanham Mills Broke out into rendition of Home Sweet Home/ checked his wallet A car crash Said he was sorry, it wasn't his fault, and he wouldn't do it again. Frank then refused to continue the interview unless I took him to the Carpenters Arms for a crash course in 'Potting'.

Consequently he and I spent a night at Her Majesty's pleasure and were fined forty five pounds each at Marylebone magistrates. (See itemised expense sheet)

Conclusion: Analyses incomplete.

Gareth Jones - Born 03/09/1935 (aged 64)

Gareth was unwilling to enlighten me on any aspect of his sensitive nature until I produced a picture of a John Deere 1948 GHA Tractor. Very soon I was informed of every technical detail pertaining to the said tractor until I attempted to get the photograph back. I failed, but after I'd got back from the treatment room he'd run out of data.

He said he'd had a rough childhood, regularly beaten by his mother and brother (Scrabble and Bezique respectively), regularly bitten by the farm collie called Serenity Jane, and often forced, for several hours at a time, to witness his fathers cruelty to animals (A heifer will apparently defecate endlessly to the sound of a trumpet straining to Glen Miller's 'In The Mood' unless more than eight inches away.) His first love was the clarinet, but it was subsequently surgically removed. Bowing to pressure from his father (when he could bow again) he took up the trumpet, but put it down quickly again when his father wasn't in earshot.

Joining the LWPO was against his better judgement but Gareth seems to instinctively understand the need for community service. His twenty eight years of married life were blissful until his wife turned up after twenty seven years. She said he looked older. She died tragically after attempting to clean his shot gun with the side of her head.

The Picture test followed: Picture Reaction Trumpet Calm/Sincere appreciation of its finer qualities/ signs of a rectal haemorrhage. Sheep Denied any interest in Welsh pornographic material. Naked old man Magnanimously offered the use of his foot pump. An acorn Agreed they were all right in an emergency but suggested that potatoes didn't need so much time in the distillation process. Gareth demonstrated vehemently that he didn't wish to be interviewed further, and as I wished to perhaps one day father some children, I hastily agreed and he then let go.

Conclusion: Analyses incomplete.

Peter Foley - Born 17/12/1943 (aged 56)

Peter was a very willing subject from the outset, although he apparently never really grasped the meaning of my rather basic questions. For instance, when asked about his date of birth, he said 'deck chair'. When asked to rate his level of perceived happiness on a scale of one to ten when aged twenty one, he lamented about the fact that some jumped up Kraut called Gell-Mann had pipped him to the post in 1964 by suggesting that all hadrons were built from just three types or flavours of a new particle with half-integral spin and charge of magnitude either 1/3 or 2/3 that of an electron.

Peter then further suggested that he was a silly twat for coming up with the term 'quark'. When I asked him about his participation with the LWPO, he informed me that they were a fine group of fellow medium picture thinkers who were jointly trying to prove the Heyer theory on processed volume effect on amplitude when blowing down curly brass tubes audible between 26Hz and 18,000 Hz. He then said he believed animals used it all the time and that humans had lost the ability. I then asked whether or not he had an opinion on the relevance of Extra Sensory Perception.

I then asked him how he interacted with his peer group at the age of sexual enlightenment. He said, extremely well, under the circumstances. When further pressed he said that his first kiss resulted in him proving beyond all doubt that pre pubescents such as Sylvia Wentworth often suffered from overt bile production, but hurrying home with the evidence in his mouth had nearly caused him to throw up all over the arresting officer. Two results were further analysed. A) The law could not successfully prosecute a nine year old, and b) his engagement to Ms Wentworth was definitely off.

I then performed the picture test: Picture Reaction Thomas Robert Malthus Suggested that Nineteenth century economists should not be allowed to comment on the geometric ratio of population control. Jean Bernard Leon Foucault Suggested that if he had come up with a cross between a gyroscope and a pendulum then meetings with the bank manager would be shorter and a lot more interesting. A Welsh Farmer Feigned disinterest in Bovidae meets Oedipus pornography. A set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica Had corrected all the spelling mistakes by the age of twelve. Peter felt the interview had gone well, and indeed wished it to continue, but I managed to accelerate termination by pretending to forget a luncheon appointment with my accountant.

Conclusion: The completion of analyses might be approached when mankind colonises Venus with the help of a building contract proffered by Amalgamated Alien Builders (Intergalactic Urban Housing Specialists).

Edward Legget - Born 01/02/1954 (aged 46)

Edward was a profoundly polite and willing interviewee. He oozed the finer qualities of charm and upbringing. He demonstrated an intelligence and wit that would have put any Radio Four presenter to shame. His childhood was idyllic and perfect and he wished his father, and excellent staff, well in his particularly well guarded section of the Brislington Secure Unit for Pyromaniacs. He then asked if I had any more Valium. I informed him that someone had stolen my entire supply only an hour ago.

I asked him how long ago his father had been incarcerated. He informed me that to his knowledge, his father hadn't been incarcerated and he didn't think they carried out such barbaric practices in the particular unit his father was in. I then asked him if he believed in any form of higher deity. He said he didn't have an opinion either way but suggested that if he'd built the one in his garden any higher then he wouldn't be able to dead head the upper most roses. I asked him if he had any greater ambitions. He replied that he wished to work in underground movements like his father before him.

Thinking I'd stumbled across a potential covert political activist, I questioned him further until it became apparent his father had been a sewage worker with a superior knowledge of the drains under the Bristol City Council offices. His father had always been fascinated with the explosive qualities of analy produced natural gases resulting in the destruction of the Town Hall in 1961, Hanham Masonic Lodge in 1963, and singeing Fanny Jarvis' eyebrows as she drew water from her well in 1965. Edward seemed to show no signs of guilt over these actions, although simply the word 'guilt' sent him into near incoherent mumblings about spending a small amount of time as a temporary member of the LWPO percussion section.

I then performed the picture test: Picture Reaction Sausage Suggested the patient was in perfect health Chilli Con Carne Said it produced good full aroma and resulted in a purple orange flame Hanham Mills Benign smile/checked wallet Margaret Thatcher Thatcher Said her cookery programs had gone down hill since Johnny died. Edward left in a huff after I'd managed to convince him that I'd no more valium.

Conclusion: Analyses incomplete

Hetty Lawson - Born 98/93/1927 - (aged 72)

Hetty was a relatively keen subject to interview and I was impressed by her forthright charm and no 'touche and piffle' attitude. After a few preliminary questions, however, she suggested that I was only interested in the fact that, to use her words, she was a hot lovin' high achiever in the tweed lifting for Britain department, as was her mother, and grandmother before her. I tried to point out that my approach was a holistic one, but couldn't help asking her how society could easily produce three generations of lesbians. Apparently although her dear Grandma was gay, her wife wasn't, and her mother had taken afternoon tea with the magistrate (Lord Lambert) and had had to brace herself and think of Gabriella Nostrutti until all charges were dropped.

I asked her about her involvement with the LWPO. It was her only relaxation in an otherwise perfect demonstration of cool demure. Nervous and agitated, she denied all knowledge of ever being a member, friend, or relative (either living or dead) of the LWPO. When I suggested that my (extremely reasonable) consultation fee was being covered by one Herbert Tilly(administrator of the LWPO accounts) , she did finally admit that perhaps the attendance of 37 monthly meetings and 165 rehearsals did constitute a tenuous link with such an organisation, although she felt that such a wonderful biologically prosthetic instrument such as the Tuba could be more sensitively, delicately, and ever so slowly, even perhaps taken out to dinner afterwards, renamed, Le Susan.

The picture test followed: Picture Reaction A naked man Yawned/asked for a cigarette after two minutes/mumbled something about only good for paying the bills Hanham Mills Affectionate facial expressions/checked her purse The Lockeepers Wife Questioned parentage of Peter Walker/waste of good stock/would have been gaol bait at Rodean. A Library Good for picking up totty The interview was terminated by the entrance of Nurse Fields offering tea, afterwich I never regained my subject's attention.

Analysis: Incurable

Cyril Granp - Born 05/01/1908 - (aged 91)

Cyril was a relatively willing subject for analysis and was remarkably good physical and mental health for someone of his age. He attributed this to a strict daily regime of three square meals, regular constitutional, sixty fags, as many pints of strong ale as possible bought for him in exchange for not telling war stories for hours on end in the Butchers Arms public house.

Obviously proud of his military career, I asked him about the happiest period in his life. After deliberation he replied that it had been in September 1946 when he returned home after three years in a POW camp in Burma. He further explained that he'd managed to get a dose of the 'Burmese Scrathchy Jumpies' he'd caught on a wild night out in Rangoon cleared up just in time before his wife's period finished. I asked him if he still suffered from any scars from the experiences as a POW. He said he didn't, although pulling the lever on the gallows after the war crime tribunals had given him RSI in his thumb.

I then asked him about his association with the LWPO. He visibly aged ten years but soldiered on through what was an obviously painful account of his long membership, memories of lost comrades, great strategic actions, bloody battles, heroism in the face of gross acts and crimes against music, long periods of boredom interspersed with fierce key changes and manic coda's, after which he broke down into uncontrollable sobbing.

The picture test followed: Picture Reaction A puppy Warned of danger if under cooked Hanham Mills Happy sighs/checked his wallet A penny whistle Recounted story of how he'd managed to keep his throughout captivity/developed itchy bottom. Titanic Couldn't remember much apart from a rowing twelve of familiar looking bearded ladies, one of which was his father.

I brought the consultation to a close after losing a ten pound bet on arm wrestling.

Conclusion: Write to Althzeimers Institute recommending research into prolonged smoking and drinking.

Muriel De Camp - Born 17/09/1940 - (aged 59)

Muriel was a nervous but seemingly willing interviewee. Behind her skittish exterior was forcefulness that exuded a righteousness and disdain for all things immoral. As well as being a gifted musician, Muriel could paint, sing, embroider, make jam from anything purchased from a car boot sale, and could deliver a highly informed dissertation on the rise and fall of the Nazi regime with particular reference to unfairness of the Treaty of Versailles and the application of the Hossbach Memorandum.

She was proud of her links to Oswald Moseley, once having held the door open his wife's au pair as she made her exit from the Harrods January Sale of 1960. The highlight of her life was winning her case for unfair dismissal at an Industrial Tribunal.The case was brought about because a silly lilly livered school governor objected to her class greeting her every morning with a perfectly regimented Nazi salute, and her joke about the size of the proboscis belonging to Mr Tronstein (a home economics teacher) who always taught his students that you had more control if cooking with gas.