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  • How do you know when a trombonist is at your door? - The doorbell drags
  • How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? - One, but he'll do it too loudly.
  • How many cornet players does it take to change a lightbulb? - Five, One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better he could have done it.
  • How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they have a machine to do it for them.
  • How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? - The knock always slows down.
  • What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? - A drummer.
  • What do you say to a soprano player at the door? - It doesn't matter, they still won't come in.
  • Whats the difference between a soprano player and a seamstress? -  The seamstress tucks up the frills.
  • Whats the difference between a cornet player and a horn player? - The horn player says “Tuck the frills”
  • Why are conductors hearts so coveted for transplants? - Because they've had so little use.
  • Whats the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? - The sack
  • How do you get your cornet section to sound like your horn section? - Have them miss every other note.
  • What do you call a bass player with half a brain? - Gifted.
  • Why is Eb Bass better than a Euphonium? -  Because it makes a much bigger 'Kaboom' when dropped off a cliff.
  • How do you get two cornet players to play in unison? - Shoot one.

Musical Definitions

  • Glissando - A technique adopted by trombonists for difficult runs.
  • Crescendo - A reminder to the player that he has been playing too loudly.
  • Conductor - A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
  • Risoluto - Indicates to the band that they are to stubbornly maintain the same tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
  • Vibrato - Used by soloists to hide the sound of their knees knocking together.
  • Clef - Something to jump from before the soprano solo.
  • Bar Line - A gathering of Brass Players
  • Music - A complex organisation of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the Band, the result of which is ignored by the audience.