Humour 
    
 
Bands Directory   |   Events   |   Products & Services   |   People   |   Organisations   |   Reference   |   About IBEW   |   Contact
 



Band Instrument Jokes




 

  • Flute - How many concert band flute players does it take to change a light bulb? They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.
  • Flute - How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
  • Flute - How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.
  • Flute - How many flutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one - she simply holds it up and the world revolves around her.
  • Flute - What do you call a good flute section? Impossible
  • Flute - How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players? When the engines stop, the whining continues
  • Piccolo - How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one.
  • Piccolo - What is the range of a piccolo? Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
  • Piccolo - What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
  • Oboe - What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison.
  • Oboe - What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A bad oboist can kill you.
  • Oboe - What's the difference between a high-school oboe section and a 12-cylinder Jaguar engine? With enough time and work, you can eventually get the 12-cylinder Jag in tune.
  • Oboe - How do you get an oboe player's eyes to light up? Shine a flashlight in their ears
  • Oboe - Why should oboe players get no breaks? They will forget how to read notes and it will take too long to re-teach them
  • Clarinet - Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
  • Clarinet - Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
  • Clarinet - How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
  • Clarinet - What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.
  • Clarinet - A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections: Flute Brains, $1/lb, Tuba Brains, $10/LB , Percussion Brains, $5/LB , Then he saw a sign that read: Clarinet Brains, $100/LB. He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
  • Clarinet - How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house? They don't know where to enter and what key to use.
  • Clarinet - What do call a line setup by clarinets? A curve
  • Bassoon - What's the nickname for a bassoon? A farting bedpost.
  • Bassoon - Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.
  • Bassoon - Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
  • Saxophone - If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.
  • Saxophone - What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
  • Saxophone - What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
  • Saxophone - What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
  • Saxophone - When should a saxophonist change his reed? Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.
  • Saxophone - What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower? A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.
  • Trumpet - How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
  • Trumpet - What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either.
  • Trumpet - What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
  • Trumpet - How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the world revolves around them!
  • Trumpet - How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
  • Trumpet - How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
  • Trumpet - What do trumpet players use for birth control? Their personalities.
  • Trumpet - What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"? "But Johnny, you can't do both."
  • Trumpet - Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the trumpet players.
  • Trumpet - Three trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"
  • Trumpet - How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't reach that high.
  • Trumpet - What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels.
  • Trumpet - How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground? They don't know how to swing.
  • Trumpet - How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player does it for them.
  • French Horn - What do you get when you cross a French horn player and a goal post? A goal post that can't march.
  • French Horn - How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
  • French Horn - A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
  • French Horn - How do you know when a horn section is outside your door? No one knows when to come in.
  • French Horn - What is the range of a French horn? About 35 yards if you chunk it real hard.
  • French Horn - What's the difference between a horn player and a director? Two measures.
  • French Horn - What's the difference between a trumpet player and a French horn player? Trumpet players think that they are gifts from God and horn players know it.
  • Trombone - How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
  • Trombone - How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
  • Trombone - How do you save a trombonist from drowning? Take your foot off their head.
  • Trombone - Why do people play trombone? Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
  • Trombone - What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff? You could have fit more trombones in it.
  • Trombone - A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says, "Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!"
  • Trombone - Why are trombones the best lovers? Trumpets do it with three fingers, baritones do it with four, and trombones do it in seven positions!
  • Trombone - How do you get a trombone player to play slower? Put a page of music in front of him.
  • Trombone - How do you get him to stop completely? Put notes on the page.
  • Tuba - What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
  • Tuba - How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and three to drink until the room spins.
  • Tuba - What's a "tuba for"? 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request a "full cut".
  • Tuba - A tuba player died and went to heaven. There he met St. Peter who gave him the finest selection of tubas ever. After he selected one St. Peter told him that rehearsal for the Angel Band was in five minutes. When he had finished warming up God stepped on the podium dressed in a late 1800's Marine's uniform. Being a Sousa fan, he was very upset over this. He promptly asked the person next to him, pointing at the podium, "Who does he think he is John Philip Sousa?" The man misunderstanding where the tuba player was pointing, said, "No, that is Stephen Foster, Sousa is sitting in with the saxophones today."
  • Tuba - How do you raise the town's IQ? Shoot the tuba player.
  • Tuba - How many tubas does it take to change a light bulb? 5, one to change the bulb, 4 to complain how high it is
  • Tuba - An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. " I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already." The tubist: "How should I know that?" The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?" The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"
  • Percussion - What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
  • Percussion - What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once. And a drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend
  • Percussion - We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
  • Percussion - A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
  • Percussion - Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
  • Percussion - How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down.
  • Percussion - If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
  • Percussion - A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your IQ number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about last night's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He found the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what were yours?"
  • Percussion - Why are drummers always losing their watches? Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
  • Percussion - What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend? Homeless.
  • Percussion - How do you confuse a drummer? Give him a piece of sheet music.
  • Percussion - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? 100: 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.
  • Percussion - What is the difference between a drum line playing together and shoes in a dryer? Nothing
  • Percussion - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")