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Brass Band Excuses

(Originally collected by the Oughtibridge Band)


 

  • I had one hard one and one soft one and was trying to get them both the same (percussionist on why he had missed an entry).
  • I got locked in School (she is a teacher)
  • A fly landed on my music, and I played it. (Traditional)
  • I forgot about the band job, I was washing my smalls
  • I was practicing it last night and left it at home.
  • I couldn't see the conductor - he's vertically challenged
  • Which figure 5 are we going from, I've got two of them.
  • I had the wrong glasses on.
  • I can't play piano, I holding a cornet!
  • Hilary had the wrong glasses on.
  • I thought 2/4 meant you only play half of the music.
  • PP does that mean Pretty Powerful. (Traditional)
  • My part must be wrong. (I mean the music!)
  • I can't play in 6th position, the horn players are in the way.
  • My part says with cheese, not with spirit ("Con Brio")
  • I'm playing Westminster Waltz, what is everyone else playing?
  • The conductor waved his stick at me so I waved back.
  • I oiled my valve and its moving too fast.
  • I was concentrating too hard and it put me off.
  • I thought forte meant play it 40 times.
  • We were out of time because the basses were playing
  • We were out of time because the basses weren't playing
  • I forgot my instrument
  • I missed the drum and hit my hand.
  • How can you double tongue - I only have one tongue.
  • I'm concentrating too hard to think of an excuse.
  • David stole the excuse book so we can't write any more.
  • Sorry, I was making out with the piccolo.
  • Sorry, I was making out with the trombonist.
  • Sorry, I was watching the piccolo and trombone make out.
  • I was distracted by the horn player's magazine... (Reaches over and holds up HOOTers magazine)
  • My finger got caught in my spit valve...(Happens ALL the time...)
  • I REALLY don't feel like playing this, why don't we play the marching band piece?
  • IT SAYS IN 4!!! Wait, no, that's the next measure...
  • I can't play that low, can I take it up?
  • ''Have you practised that part at home, John? ''No, it upsets the dog!
  • My dog ate my music
  • Look mate, I'll start playing as soon as I get the bloomin' music.
  • I can't play two notes at the same time (the other trombonist was sick).
  • Ah, we have lost all five trumpets.
  • I get shouted at when I play the piccolo (I'm the only one with earplugs and the rest of the band get jealous).
  • I was playing from A, where were you? Ah, five of A - new bandmaster.
  • Sorry I was explaining the offside rule / LBW rule to the tuba.
  • Sorry, I was tapping then - we've got a budding composer, thinks he's the next Cage.
  • Who wrote this part? That's a fifth out of range.
  • Sorry, I was still reading bass clef, what am I supposed to be in?
  • You're conducting the wrong music - it took him about half a page to work this out worryingly.
  • Sorry I brought the wrong instrument - who can get an E and a B flat clarinet mixed up?
  • Sorry, wrong band.